Wednesday Words

Tonight is the first night in a while that I have gotten Lucas to bed before 10, so how about a little blog update? 

If you follow me on facebook, you know a lot of this already - but I have to remind myself that there are still people who don't fb (hi, Aunt Ruth)!

Things are going great with Lucas.  He has been with us for 4 months now, but it seems so much longer.  He just fits in so well!  We are working on potty training, and it is hit and miss.  I'm not going to stress too much about it (or try not to anyway)! 

When he first came, he was having a rough time getting his frustrations out....when he would be told not to do something, he would get so emotional and kept hitting himself in the head.  It didn't happen often, but when it did, that was his way to get his frustration out.  I'm happy to say that doesn't happen anymore!  He still gets emotional, but I believe he handles it just like any 2 year old does!  :)

He was seeing a speech therapist once a week, until last week.  She closed his case, saying that he has developed his speech so well over the last few months that she is confident he will continue to improve himself.  He was tested at over a 30% delay before coming to live with us and is now at an 18% since coming home!  Yay!!!  We are still working on putting sentences together, but I can tell he gets a little better day by day.

Grace is turning 12 next week!  I can't believe how much she has grown over the last few months!  Aside from growing taller over the summer, she has also started to blossom into a young lady.  I still find her playing with dolls and running around acting silly, but she has started to pay a little more attention to her hair and wants to wear a little makeup.  Ahhh, I remember this age.  It scares me and thrills me.  She is going to change and grow, and I will be there every step of the way.  I never felt that I really had anyone to help me through all the craziness of tween/teen life and I can't wait to be a part of it for her. 

She is going to be in our hometown pageant soon and I'm excited for her.  She has always wanted to do something like that, but we are just not "pageant people".  I figured a small one will be fun for her.  This is something we know nothing about, but she just wants to have fun and be in the spotlight!  Of course she would like to win, but we are fully prepared for anything to happen.  We have been told to bring our thick skin, as apparently some of these pageant contestants and parents can be pretty cut throat, but I'm not worried.  One thing I love about her, she is pretty good about letting things people have said roll off her back.  She is a confident, one of a kind girl, and that will show....she is definitely not going to be your typical pageant girl!  I just can't wait to watch her. 

Here is our beautiful 6th grader!!

 

 

Since this has been pretty lengthy so far, I will save my thoughts on meeting Lucas' birthmom for the next post.  Let's just say that it has not went how I had anticipated!

 



Goodbye, Tommy Girl

If you are not a dog (or other animal lover) you will not "get" this post. 

Back in the archives, I found a post I did on Tommy Girl....if you want, you can read it right here.  I can't believe that I wrote that post over 2 1/2 years ago. 

Today was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life....and I've done some not so easy things. 

Since the last post about her, Tommy had a couple more surgeries for tumors that were coming up.  She always did exceptionally well afterwards too.  She was such a strong girl, and was not going to let a little surgery get her down.  I love how dogs are like that.  If I had been cut open and fixed, I would have laid around for weeks whining.  Had it not been for the stitches and shaved arm, you almost wouldn't have known she had surgery!

Shortly after her last operation, we noticed another small knot on her belly.  It was slow growing, but I knew something would have to be done.  Bill and I talked about it and decided that we wouldn't put her through another surgery.  She was, after all, 14 years old and had been through quite a lot in the last couple of years.  As the months went by, her little knot started to grow.  I tried to ignore it as much as I could, because ultimately, I knew what would happen.

About a month and a half ago, her skin started to open a tiny bit.  We spoke to her vet ( Dr. John Spence, who is awesome!) and he agreed with us to not put her through another surgery.  Since her skin was starting to open, he put her on an antibiotic to try to keep infection down.  He warned that we probably wouldn't have much time left, probably a week to 10 days and suggested that when we noticed her not eating (that's the point that they're pretty bad) to call to have her put to sleep.  Also, he was leaving in 2 weeks for vacation and would be gone for 2 weeks.  I knew that if we were going to do it, I wanted him to do it.  This is when my heart really started breaking - now we had a timeline.

Damn it if 10 days don't go by and she is acting completely fine.  The day or so before he was to be closed for vacation I called to see if we could just get some more antibiotic while he was gone.  I just couldn't do it while she was still eating, running, and acting like she was in generally good health!  I checked her belly often and her sore was starting to open more (she licked it often), but my girl pushed on.  Her dr came back from vacation and I was so relieved that when it was time, he could be there for her.

Monday morning, I went into Lucas' room to put away some clothes.  She followed me like she does everywhere and I noticed her stumbling.  I hollered her name (I don't know why, she's not deaf!) and dropped down beside her.  She laid on the floor beside me, I petted her and talked to her; almost waiting for her to tell me exactly what was wrong (she didn't!).  I had seen her act this way once before when she ate a portabella mushroom and the vet had us give her some benadryl.  That worked wonders that time, so I rushed and got some this time.  I also gave her a pain pill left over from surgery, just in case it was from pain from her sore.  I'm not sure which one, but something worked and she fared fine, but I was still scared for her.  It was at that time that I felt that was my sign that it was time.  I called Bill and we knew what we had to do. 

I couldn't make myself call to schedule until later that afternoon.  I didn't want to call when she was around (er, what?)......I know, I know.  :)   We scheduled for today and it was all I could think about.  She got extra treats and attention.  We slept together on the couch.  I asked her for a sign to tell me that she was ok......  I got nothin'!  Still, I knew. 

We woke up Wed. and Grace got to say her goodbyes.  We took Grace to school then had McD's sausage biscuits and hash browns for breakfast.  She sat with me in the recliner and watched tv until it was time to go.  I talked to her like she knew exactly what I was saying.  I told her that when she got to the rainbow bridge, she could go find Lucy (Amy's dog) and Charlie (cousin Jessica's dog that recently passed) and go play.  I assured her that when it was my time I would find her.  Yes, I believe she knew what I was saying. 

I cried off and on in the car, where she rode peacefully in the passenger seat beside me.  The Sesser Animal Hospital has an awesome staff.  As soon as I got there, they took us to a room so I wasn't bawl baggin' it in the waiting room.  I sat in the floor with her and her blanket on my lap while Lucas played the kindle.  The nurse talked to me about cremation and told us dr would be in soon.  Dr John came in and gave me assurance that I was doing the right thing.  He praised her for being such a good girl all the time.  He also said that her episode Mon could have been a mini stroke (she did have a history of congestive heart failure).  So, that was my sign.

When it was time, I laid her blanket on the table.  I couldn't have her laying on that cold metal slab!  :)  The nurse hugged her belly to keep her still so dr could get a vein and I was right at her head so we could see each other.  After a little of the injection went in her head got a little heavy.  I just told her over and over that I loved her and she was a good girl.  When he was almost done, she just went limp and the nurse layed her down.  It was awful.  I just wanted to see her nudge my hand for  a scratch one more time, but she was gone.  *One thing I didn't know is that a dog's eyes stay open after this....that was a little unsettling.  I kept petting her and took her collar and got her blanket.  It killed me to leave her laying there, but Dr. John just gives off a peaceful aura and I am forever thankful to him for that.  He stayed in the room with her, I thanked him for everything he did for her, and we left.

I have dreaded this day for a long time, and it was every bit as painful as I had imagined. But, she does not hurt anymore. She did not pass painfully.  11 hours later, I miss her like crazy.  Even with other dogs at home, I can feel her presence gone.  She was my first baby when I couldn't have babies.  I know that she hung around until she knew I had what I needed in life.  She waited for Lucas.  She posed for pictures with him.  He will not remember her, but there is proof that she loved him. 

My cousin Jessica sent this to me today and I love it:

Yesterday I made a choice, You were in such pain, It was in your voice.

To keep you here or let you go, The guilt I felt you’ll never know.

Even though my choice was right, a part of me I had to fight, not to let you slip into that final goodnight.

With love for you, my decision made, I feel the loss will never fade.

But knowing that your pain is gone, And that your soul has now moved on, I bless each day I spent with you, and live with what I had to do.

Yesterday you went to sleep, but in my heart I’ll always keep, my precious memory of love so deep.

-unknown author

Goodbye to my awesome Tommy Girl....I'll see you later!

Short and Sweet!

I feel guilty that I have been sending people to my blog to read the story of how blessed we have become.....and I haven't written anything lately!  Believe it or not, I've been a little busy!  ;)  This post will be short and sweet, but I have plans for a personal blog session this weekend! 

We have finished our dcfs pride training (foster training) so that L could come live with us full time, so now he does.  Everyone still asks how the transition is going, and my answer is still that there really was no transition.  Easy, peasy, lemon squeezy!  We have been so lucky!

We will go to court soon for one of many court dates to get to adoption.   We are looking at a long haul, but at least he's here!  I was very disappointed when our pride trainers suggested that it could take up to 2 years.  What the what?!  But, at least he's here.

I still can't thank my friend enough for what she did for us.  She is such a blessing and I am forever thankful for her and her family. 

His caseworker has encouraged us to call L by his given name (which I still did occasionally, as it will be his middle name).  She doesn't want birth mom to be really upset about a name change and for that to be a hiccup.  I can totally understand that - doesn't matter to me what we call him for now.....because at least he's here! 

Grace has been the best big sister I could imagine!  He loves his "shishy" so much.  She is enjoying her summer break, and keeping busy.  We're signing up for volleyball camp in July, I can't wait for that for her! 

I hope you are all enjoying this hot, humid summer! 

My First Mom's Day!

For many years I have longed to celebrate mother’s day.  Every year, my heart ached for what I knew had to be the best feeling in the world.  Finally, my dream has come true, and it IS the best feeling in the world!!

My first Mother’s Day was much as I had expected….just like any other day, except I got a present.  The laundry was still here and there were still messes to clean up, but you know what?  I couldn’t have been happier about it!  When the laundry includes itty bitty socks and cute little t-shirts and the messes are sippy cups and strewn about toys, that’s just fine with me!

We had breakfast at my sister’s house and came home for a bit before Grace had to go back to her mother’s house.  Grace bought me 2 new Willow Tree Angels, which were perfect.  After Grace left, we headed to the lake with some fishing poles (not for me though, I suck at fishing).  It was a beautiful day to just be outside and we enjoyed it. 

Lucas was full of kisses and made my heart swell every time he looked at me.  We finally settled in for the night after bath time on the couch.  He fell asleep while I held himas we watched tv.  Even though he sweats like crazy when he sleeps and my arm was soaked I couldn’t get up and go lay him in his bed.  I just wanted to keep looking at him! 

As ashamed as I am to say it, it wasn’t until that moment that I thought of his birth mom.  She may not have custody of him, but she had to be thinking of him.  Since he is in foster care, she did not decide to place him for adoption and did not choose us; but I hope that she knew that we were thinking of her and that she had some comfort that he was in a safe place. 

We made a handprint for her on Monday and will send it to their next visit.  I hope that she will accept it and knows that it is coming from a good place in my heart.  I worry about that.  Though we hope to adopt him and ultimately hope he doesn’t return “home”, I don’t want her to feel like I think I’m better than her.  I hope that my gestures (like sending a letter, picture, or his artwork) won’t lead her in that direction.  I will still send them unless she says that she wishes otherwise.    On Sunday though, I was sure thankful that she gave birth to the precious little boy I was blessed to be holding in my arms!

Some things I've learned in 13 days....

13 DAYS?!?!  Yes, Lucas has been in our lives for almost 2 weeks already!  In this very short amount of time, I've learned a few things....

I've learned that although I've never been a morning person (at ALL), that I am more than willing to wake at 5:45 every morning to a sweet little voice calling, "Mom....Mom!"

I've learned that you have to choose your battles.  Though I've always known this, I've learned that you really have to choose your battles with a 2 year old.  I'd rather he wear his boots to bed than see those big crocodile tears because he doesn't want to take them off.

I've learned that while my bank account may not like it too much, I am so glad that I am not working right now.  I could not imagine all of this happening and having to work during it. 

I've learned that it is possible to function on 4-5 hours of sleep.

I've learned that it feels really nice to hear "Congratulations" from people, instead of "I'm so sorry".

I've learned that even though I've never been a nap person, it's nice to sneak one in with my new little love every once in a while and not feel guilty about it!

I've learned that the people you think would be there to rejoice in this wonderful situation may not be.  I'm very thankful for those that are, some who I wouldn't have expected!

I've learned that it makes me nervous to hear coughs and sniffles and sneezes.  It was different with Grace, Chace, and Miles because ultimately they all had their own moms who made the calls and I just did what they said to do.  I know it will grow on me, and thankfully I have my sister who has been through it and my Aunt Patty who, in my opinion, knows everything there is to know about children!

I've learned that I am seeing life from a whole different perspective and I love it!

We are blessed!

If you're just coming in, please read Part 1 here, Part 2 here, and Part 3 here !!

We have been blessed beyond measure with family and friends who are accepting and helpful.  I cannot imagine traveling this journey by ourselves or with anyone who didn’t “approve” of our decisions.  I love running into people who have read our blog and have them tell me how touched they were.  When they tell me it made them cry, I’m usually glad!  Not because I want them to cry, but I am glad that people are able to feel some of the emotion that we have went through.  I want people to see how wonderful, terrifying, and absolutely beautiful this journey has been.  It’s far from over, so settle in for the ride!   

Everyone has shown Lucas so much love that it makes my heart swell.  It seems as he has always been a part of our family.  He is treated the same as all of the other kids and he fits right in!  Amy and I strolled the boys around the park the other night and were stopped by several people who wanted to meet Lucas and give me congratulations.  I loved every minute of it, because I know these people are genuinely happy for us!

Our visits are going well, I can’t wait for our classes to be done so he can stay with us 24/7.  They will only last one month, I’m hoping it goes by fast!  As far as I am concerned, there seem to be no adjustment "issues" and that suits me just fine! 

My friend who is such a blessing is doing great.  I think her worries have subsided as she now knows this is exactly how it was supposed to work out.  I love her so much for this gift that she held onto for us!

Grace had surgery Friday to have her adenoids taken out.  Her surgery went great and after resting yesterday she is feeling pretty good today.  We left Lucas with Aunt Patty (who is on our list of pre-approved babysitters) while we took Grace for her surgery.  Aunt Patty said he was good when we left, except he wanted to know where his Grace was!  He loves her so much! 

Lucas will pretty much call most women “mom” and most men “dad”.  I think he knows that we are mom and dad….we take care of him and love on him more than anyone, but he doesn’t know what to call everyone else, since he’s never been around anyone for an extended length of time.  Maybe?  I am in the process of gathering pictures for a small photo album so we can read it like a book. It will have pictures of everyone in our family and people we will see on a regular basis.  I’m hoping that doing this he will associate names with faces over time and will give me the pleasure of being the only “mom”! 

He is so funny when he wants to get my attention even when I am sitting right with him.  For instance, we were sitting in his bedroom floor, he was playing and I was going through some clothes from my cousin.  “momomomomMOM!!”  ….”what baby?”  ….”here”  as he hands me a mickey mouse toy.  I love to hear him say mom.  I always imagined how it would sound, but I never in my wildest dreams thought it would sound this sweet.  I just can’t help but smile and look around to see if anyone else heard it.  The same way with Bill….I love to hear him ask for “dad’n”  I’m not sure what all that is about, but most of the time, it’s how he says it.  It is music to my ears.

So, do you have any questions about our journey?  Anything you’d like to hear about or want to be nosey about?  Joking, joking!  Ask away, or give me some suggestions on what to write next.  With the exception of any confidential information about Lucas, I am an open book!  Sometimes the pages may be a little wrinkled or not read exactly how I want them to, but this is my book and I am glad you are reading it! 

Part 3! Not as exciting, but it's what's up!

Lucas’ caseworker showed up for our appointment with the transporter (the lady who will take him to visits with his bio parents once a week).  He knows these 2 ladies well and ran to give them hugs when he saw them….but that was it.  He went back to playing and didn’t have much to do with them, which they said was not normal for him.  So, that must mean he feels pretty comfortable here, right?! 

I told her that he spent the night and let her know how smooth everything had been.  She was so excited and told me this is just what he needs…..but I already knew that!  She felt that he just needed a chance to be parented consistently and I’m so ready!  We will go to court in July and will have his status changed from “return home” and get him on the final stretch to his forever home.  I can’t wait!

We confirmed the plan that my friend is still his legal guardian and Lucas can spend the night here up to 3 days at a time, then her home, then 3 days here again.  I hope that this routine does not become too confusing, but it’s only for a month so maybe it won’t be that bad.  As much as I’m ready for him to have a routine and stability, I know he is much more ready!

When they left, he wouldn’t even give them a hug….just ran to my lap!  They were both so nice and care so much for Lucas.  I know it’s their job, but I can tell that it’s more than that to them.  I’m so thankful for them because I’ve heard there are some grumpy caseworkers out there!  Haha

We spent the rest of the day hanging out and playing.  He napped and when we picked Grace up from school he had the biggest smile and hug for her.  I think he’s just as smitten by her as she is by him!  Saturday was also spent hanging out and getting to know each other.  I never could have imagined that a situation like this would be so perfect! 

Bill worked for so many days in a row that he didn’t really get to spend any time with us until Saturday evening.  We went out to eat and Lucas was such a good baby!  He behaved so well (and no, I’m not delusional….I know there will be plenty of times that he won’t!) and we stopped by Uncle Raymond and Aunt Erin’s and he got a little gift that makes lots of grumpy noises and has a club to hit stuff with.  Thanks guys.  Haha  

I learned a valuable lesson that night also.  Letting a toddler stay up past bed time will not make them sleep in in the morning…..it will only make them crabby!  Haha  He loves playing a little “game” at bed time.  We start to rock, then he wants to get down.  He gets in his bed and rolls around, giggling, pretending to snore, covering and uncovering.  I walk out of the room and tell him to lay down.  I’ll stand in the kitchen and will hear him pitter patter to the doorway.  I’ll holler for him to go lay down and he pitter patters back to his bed giggling.  This goes on a few times then I go back in and ask if he’s ready for me to hold him.  At this point, he reaches those little bitty arms up snuggles in and falls asleep in about 10 seconds.

I can also tell you another thing I’ve learned.  Those little pitter patters are making more than hot laps across the carpet.   My heart already has permanent pitter patter tracks across it.  I’ve always dreamed about the day I would feel this much joy.  And that day is finally here!

Next post I’ll talk about hearing him call us mommommomMOM and dad’n and how awesome our family has been!