Back in the archives, I found a post I did on Tommy Girl....if you want, you can read it right here. I can't believe that I wrote that post over 2 1/2 years ago.
Today was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life....and I've done some not so easy things.
Since the last post about her, Tommy had a couple more surgeries for tumors that were coming up. She always did exceptionally well afterwards too. She was such a strong girl, and was not going to let a little surgery get her down. I love how dogs are like that. If I had been cut open and fixed, I would have laid around for weeks whining. Had it not been for the stitches and shaved arm, you almost wouldn't have known she had surgery!
Shortly after her last operation, we noticed another small knot on her belly. It was slow growing, but I knew something would have to be done. Bill and I talked about it and decided that we wouldn't put her through another surgery. She was, after all, 14 years old and had been through quite a lot in the last couple of years. As the months went by, her little knot started to grow. I tried to ignore it as much as I could, because ultimately, I knew what would happen.
About a month and a half ago, her skin started to open a tiny bit. We spoke to her vet ( Dr. John Spence, who is awesome!) and he agreed with us to not put her through another surgery. Since her skin was starting to open, he put her on an antibiotic to try to keep infection down. He warned that we probably wouldn't have much time left, probably a week to 10 days and suggested that when we noticed her not eating (that's the point that they're pretty bad) to call to have her put to sleep. Also, he was leaving in 2 weeks for vacation and would be gone for 2 weeks. I knew that if we were going to do it, I wanted him to do it. This is when my heart really started breaking - now we had a timeline.
Damn it if 10 days don't go by and she is acting completely fine. The day or so before he was to be closed for vacation I called to see if we could just get some more antibiotic while he was gone. I just couldn't do it while she was still eating, running, and acting like she was in generally good health! I checked her belly often and her sore was starting to open more (she licked it often), but my girl pushed on. Her dr came back from vacation and I was so relieved that when it was time, he could be there for her.
Monday morning, I went into Lucas' room to put away some clothes. She followed me like she does everywhere and I noticed her stumbling. I hollered her name (I don't know why, she's not deaf!) and dropped down beside her. She laid on the floor beside me, I petted her and talked to her; almost waiting for her to tell me exactly what was wrong (she didn't!). I had seen her act this way once before when she ate a portabella mushroom and the vet had us give her some benadryl. That worked wonders that time, so I rushed and got some this time. I also gave her a pain pill left over from surgery, just in case it was from pain from her sore. I'm not sure which one, but something worked and she fared fine, but I was still scared for her. It was at that time that I felt that was my sign that it was time. I called Bill and we knew what we had to do.
I couldn't make myself call to schedule until later that afternoon. I didn't want to call when she was around (er, what?)......I know, I know. :) We scheduled for today and it was all I could think about. She got extra treats and attention. We slept together on the couch. I asked her for a sign to tell me that she was ok...... I got nothin'! Still, I knew.
We woke up Wed. and Grace got to say her goodbyes. We took Grace to school then had McD's sausage biscuits and hash browns for breakfast. She sat with me in the recliner and watched tv until it was time to go. I talked to her like she knew exactly what I was saying. I told her that when she got to the rainbow bridge, she could go find Lucy (Amy's dog) and Charlie (cousin Jessica's dog that recently passed) and go play. I assured her that when it was my time I would find her. Yes, I believe she knew what I was saying.
I cried off and on in the car, where she rode peacefully in the passenger seat beside me. The Sesser Animal Hospital has an awesome staff. As soon as I got there, they took us to a room so I wasn't bawl baggin' it in the waiting room. I sat in the floor with her and her blanket on my lap while Lucas played the kindle. The nurse talked to me about cremation and told us dr would be in soon. Dr John came in and gave me assurance that I was doing the right thing. He praised her for being such a good girl all the time. He also said that her episode Mon could have been a mini stroke (she did have a history of congestive heart failure). So, that was my sign.
When it was time, I laid her blanket on the table. I couldn't have her laying on that cold metal slab! :) The nurse hugged her belly to keep her still so dr could get a vein and I was right at her head so we could see each other. After a little of the injection went in her head got a little heavy. I just told her over and over that I loved her and she was a good girl. When he was almost done, she just went limp and the nurse layed her down. It was awful. I just wanted to see her nudge my hand for a scratch one more time, but she was gone. *One thing I didn't know is that a dog's eyes stay open after this....that was a little unsettling. I kept petting her and took her collar and got her blanket. It killed me to leave her laying there, but Dr. John just gives off a peaceful aura and I am forever thankful to him for that. He stayed in the room with her, I thanked him for everything he did for her, and we left.
I have dreaded this day for a long time, and it was every bit as painful as I had imagined. But, she does not hurt anymore. She did not pass painfully. 11 hours later, I miss her like crazy. Even with other dogs at home, I can feel her presence gone. She was my first baby when I couldn't have babies. I know that she hung around until she knew I had what I needed in life. She waited for Lucas. She posed for pictures with him. He will not remember her, but there is proof that she loved him.
My cousin Jessica sent this to me today and I love it:
Yesterday I made a choice, You were in such pain, It was in your voice.
To keep you here or let you go, The guilt I felt you’ll never know.
Even though my choice was right, a part of me I had to fight, not to let you slip into that final goodnight.
With love for you, my decision made, I feel the loss will never fade.
But knowing that your pain is gone, And that your soul has now moved on, I bless each day I spent with you, and live with what I had to do.
Yesterday you went to sleep, but in my heart I’ll always keep, my precious memory of love so deep.
-unknown author
Goodbye to my awesome Tommy Girl....I'll see you later!
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