My sign

As I talked in an earlier post, waiting during adoption stinks.  I don't like it one bit.  Hearing nothing puts me on edge.  And I've noticed for the past week or so, I've been more on edge than usual.

I've been fretting over our 90 day visit looming in the shadows.  That mean 90 days since our last visit with no word.  I always get a little on edge around my birthday also.  Every year, I get sad thinking of how the year before I would cry and say that "next year" would be my year and I would be a mom by my next birthday.  I've been helping with my step sister's baby shower.  Which is no big deal, because I like planning stuff.  It doesn't bother me to do that sort of thing, it just makes me think a little more about babies.  My beliefs were tested.  Bill assured me one night that the man upstairs was taking care of everything.  In a moment of uncertainty(?) and/or rage I told him I didn't know about that.  He just squeezed me and told me he was sure of it.  Every time my phone has rang in the last week, I jump at every number I don't recognize.  But it's never our caseworker........

.....until today.

My heart beat a little faster today when I saw "private number".  When I answered and it was, indeed, our caseworker, I reasoned with myself that she was calling to set up our 90 day visit.  Not so.  She dove in the conversation telling me about a potential birth mom and giving me the info she had for her.  I wrote furiously as she talked and I choked back some tears.  At one point she asked me if I was ok.....I guess it was obvious I was breaking!  I assured her I was ok and that this last week had been very trying for me and that I was just thankful to hear from her.  Even if it doesn't work out, I was {really} just glad to hear from her.   

So, maybe this was my sign.  Just when I think I can't tolerate waiting anymore, there's my sign that I can......even if that sign is just a phone call!  : )

I am more excited about this potential case than the others prior.  It just seems like what we want on all levels!  I don't want to be so excited, but I can't help it!  I try to tell myself that there are at least 15 other couples out there feeling the same way (from our agency).  Of course, not all 15 will be shown, but at the end of this, some of us will walk away broken hearted.  I know how it feels and it STINKS!  Crossing my fingers that we're not broken hearted this time!!!!! 

I'm thinking a lot tonight about the birth mom.  We should know very soon if she chooses us or not, as the baby is due a week from Thursday. Ack!!!   She has a big decision to make in a very small amount of time.  I hope she can find the strength she needs because I know this can not be easy for her. 

Like I told my facebook friends, please cross your fingers, say a prayer, and throw a penny in a fountain and hope that we will be chosen if we are meant to have this baby!  Good night!!