Men and doctors - and the weirdo in the attic

What is it with men (and some women, I guess) not wanting to go to the doctor?  Seems like the only ones who visit the doctor regularly are......I better not go there....yet.  Let me back up and start this over.

Bill NEVER wants to go to the doctor.  He could have a major fever, snotting his nose off, coughing up a storm...and he refuses to go.  Now, I don't think you need to go for every snot and sniffle either.  But, there comes a point when your "country boy can survive" mentality is not enough. 

Like tonight when he felt like he broke his knee cap.

Want to know how that happened?!  Ok!

So, after supper I was sitting on the couch and kept hearing something.  I told Bill to mute the tv and when he did we heard a scratching in the ceiling.  My very first thought (though very brief) was that I thought I saw the cover to the attic slightly off the other day and what if someone was living in the attic and came out at night?!  Remember a movie like that years ago??  Then that thought went away.  That doesn't happen, right? 

Bill tells me it has to be a mouse.  Eek.  I have to know, and tell him he needs to look up in the attic to check.  He doesn't seem concerned all, so I pester him for what he needs to begin the investigation.  Blah, blah, blah.  I head out to the garage and drag in the small ladder, spot light, and maglite flash light.  The mag lite ends up having dead batteries and the step ladder is too short.  Drats.  I drag it back outside and lug the big ladder inside. 

Bill apparently finds this show humorous and decides to join in.  I bang through the back door to find him standing in the hallway with the spot light in hand and a stainless steel bowl on his head, ready for action!!!  It was pretty funny.  He begins to set up the ladder while I go into the living room to mute the tv again.  As I'm heading back, I heard the biggest crash.  I run to find the ladder on it's side and Bill on the ground.  I didn't know whether to laugh or cry!  I asked if he was ok and all he could muster was, "I don't know".  Fast forward a few seconds and he's getting up and there's no blood, so I'm a little relieved. 

The next thing I see is the metal bowl laying in the corner.  "Did you wear the bowl on your head up into the attic???!!"   When he begins to laugh through the pain, I can tell that he did.  Oh boy.

We'll see what tomorrow brings, --lots of sore muscles I'm sure.  Sore knee, ankle, and wrist for Bill and sore stomach muscles for me from laughing so hard at the sight of my honey defending me from the non-existent weirdo in the attic while wearing a stainless steel bowl on his head!

So, long story long - Bill has a swollen wrist, ankle, and knee. He said his knee hurts the worse and refused to go to the hospital. He can barely walk around and says he doesn't need a dr to give him pills and a knee replacement. You know, cause that's exactly what they would do. Ahem.

**And for your added peace of mind, there was no man in the attic - and nothing else he could see for that matter.  :)

True or False?

...Hank is laying beside me on the couch, even though dogs are not allowed on the furniture in our house.

...I have been extremely lazy today.  Aside from mowing and a little laundry, I have done little to nothing.

...I went to the drive through at DQ to get Bill a blizzard and didn't wear a bra.

...I watched a Lifetime Movie today with Tiffany Amber Thiessen....she was much better in Saved by the Bell!

...I still only weigh 5 pounds less than when I did my "disgusted with myself" post.  I may need to work on that a little better.

...Baby Miles will be one year old the day before my birthday.

...Bill eats ice cream faster than anyone I know.

...Grace was a big help at my step sister's baby shower yesterday.

...Chace didn't get something he wanted the other day so he told my sister that he was sad because there wasn't a baby in his belly.  Hmmmm.

...Bill and I will be married for 4 years on Wednesday.

...We were married twice...8/01/08 and 8/02/08.

...Everything I have said is true!  : )

Letting go

As if I didn't need another kick in the pants, today we received a letter from Washington University that it was time for us to renew the cryopreservation of our fertilized embryos - or dispose of them. 

Here is a paper printed picture of a couple of the embryos.  This is the closest my husband and I will ever be to having something that is biologically a part of both of us.




I know that I don't want to do IVF again.  At all.  Unless I was guaranteed it would work (which I pretty much was the first 3 times, and we see how well that turned out), I would never do it again.  We did everything possible (scientifically, anyway) to make sure it would work.....and it was not fun.  For 3 brief periods of time, I knew that I had something inside me, made from both my husband and I that we wanted so badly.  I'll never know why it didn't work, and it still makes me sad.

So, now, it's time to decide if we want to keep what's left in a frozen state or have them disposed of.  I like the thought of having something of ours , but essentially, it's nothing.  Nothing living or breathing anyway.  It all depends on how you want to look at it.  There's no sense in paying $400 to keep them in a frozen hotel when I know we won't use them again.  It's time to let go and move on.  Well, we already have, since we're waiting to adopt.  But, it's time to let go of the biological side of things.  And letting go is hard.

Trip to the Capitol!

Bill suggested Friday that he wanted to take off Saturday and go stay somewhere for the night, since he'd been working so hard.  How can I argue with that?!  I haven't exactly had the best week.  : /  We didn't have anything planned for the summer and school starts in a few weeks, so why not?  We thought of a few different places, but our first choices didn't have any hotel rooms available.  Bill suggested Springfield, so at 9:30 on Friday night, I was booking a room in our state's capitol!

I called Grace's best friend's mom to see if Sam could tag along and thank goodness she said yes!  We would have had a great time just ourselves, but Grace and Sam get along so well, I thought they would both have a great time.  I was right!

We left out Sat morning on our journey to Springfield.  On the way, we stopped at an antique store that used to be an old gymnasium and saw some really quirky stuff....a spaceship/ufo, a pink elephant, a giant man holding an ice cream....really quirky.  Interesting, though!  We made our way into the city and visited the Illinois State Museum, the Abraham Lincoln Museum, and the old Capitol building.  We made our way to the hotel and swam before settling in for the night. 

Today, we went to the "new" capitol building, Lincoln's Tomb, and Lincoln's Home.  We had a great time while the girls learned a bit about Honest Abe.  On the way out of town, we had a nice lunch with my Aunt and Uncle who live in Springfield and did a little catching up with them.

On the 2.5 hour drive home, we listened to the girls in the back plan the business they were going to start - making friendship bracelets.  Their new business will be named "Cutie's Bracelets", and they will sell them for $.75 to $2 each.  They will have bracelets for every season and every cause.  Here's where I should mention neither girl really knows how to make friendship bracelets.   I'm not sure how long this new venture will last!  I did come home though and show grace how to watch youtube videos to learn.  Who knows?  You may soon see a Cutie's Bracelets near you!  :  )

**Every time I say "capitol" I feel like I'm in the Hunger Games!  Did you think that when you read it?  NO?  Well!

Clockwise from top left:  Grace and Sam at the UFO/space ship on the way, Standing with Abe and his family at the Lincoln Museum, sitting on a park bench with Abe, checking out the Lincoln's living room, Giving the ol' evil eye to John Wilkes Boothe, and the girls inside the gymnasium turned antique store (notice the stage in the background?)....Grace is holding a crocheted dress that is just like one my Grandma made for me when I was little.



Grace and Sam just setting foot in Springfield - Bill, Grace, and I at the old capitol, same, Grace and Sam inside the new capitol, and hanging out on the lawn.



Some pics from Lincoln's Tomb, rubbing Abe's nose for good luck (we all know I could use some!!).  I was so glad for the respect the girls showed while there, and the interest they took in all of it.

So, this ends our trip to the capitol.  If you've never been, I suggest you go!  For a tank of gas, you could take a day trip and see a lot of history from Illinois.  A lot of the things are free (we only paid for the Lincoln Museum and parking)!  Who doesn't like free?! 

I hope you had a great weekend as well!  Good night!

Third Shmird.

"Third times a charm" is definitely not the bearer of good fortune in our little family.  3 IVF's, no luck.  3 times our profile shown, no luck. 

Our case worker called this afternoon to let us know that the birth mom chose another family.  Luckily I was at work, or I think I would have had a total melt down.  Though I did shed some tears (along with my boss, bless her heart!) I made it through the rest of the afternoon; sad, mad, irritated, upset.....heart broken for something that wasn't even mine, again.

When my phone finally rang and I saw "private number" my heart skipped a beat.  For the first couple of seconds of the call as she introduced herself, asked how I was, etc - I tried so hard to read the tone of her voice.  Was she excited to be calling me?  Dreading calling me?  Ack!  When she said "just wanted to let you know...." I'd lost all interest in trying to figure her out.  I knew.  And I didn't like what I was hearing.  Whaaaaa!!

For whatever reason, she repeated that the birth mom had chosen another family (like I needed to hear it more than once) and told me our profile would go right back in to be ready for viewing.  Awesome.  So, the flood gates opened and I finished my work on the computer through teary eyes.  I walked out of the room and my boss knew right away.  "Oh shoot" was all she said and I saw her teary eyes too.  I think I managed to mumble that I was ok and for her not to cry.  I hate that she was upset about it, but it's nice to know that others want this so badly for us that they get upset too. 

As the day went on, I was ok until I got home and Bill asked me if I was as bummed as he was.  I told him I couldn't talk about it because I didn't want to cry again.  Something about the words actually coming out of my mouth make it harder. 

So, what do you do after the third time's not your charm?  Wait for the fourth, I guess.  And the fifth, if that's what happens.  Third Shmird.  Who lives a fairy tale like that?  I sure don't.

My sign

As I talked in an earlier post, waiting during adoption stinks.  I don't like it one bit.  Hearing nothing puts me on edge.  And I've noticed for the past week or so, I've been more on edge than usual.

I've been fretting over our 90 day visit looming in the shadows.  That mean 90 days since our last visit with no word.  I always get a little on edge around my birthday also.  Every year, I get sad thinking of how the year before I would cry and say that "next year" would be my year and I would be a mom by my next birthday.  I've been helping with my step sister's baby shower.  Which is no big deal, because I like planning stuff.  It doesn't bother me to do that sort of thing, it just makes me think a little more about babies.  My beliefs were tested.  Bill assured me one night that the man upstairs was taking care of everything.  In a moment of uncertainty(?) and/or rage I told him I didn't know about that.  He just squeezed me and told me he was sure of it.  Every time my phone has rang in the last week, I jump at every number I don't recognize.  But it's never our caseworker........

.....until today.

My heart beat a little faster today when I saw "private number".  When I answered and it was, indeed, our caseworker, I reasoned with myself that she was calling to set up our 90 day visit.  Not so.  She dove in the conversation telling me about a potential birth mom and giving me the info she had for her.  I wrote furiously as she talked and I choked back some tears.  At one point she asked me if I was ok.....I guess it was obvious I was breaking!  I assured her I was ok and that this last week had been very trying for me and that I was just thankful to hear from her.  Even if it doesn't work out, I was {really} just glad to hear from her.   

So, maybe this was my sign.  Just when I think I can't tolerate waiting anymore, there's my sign that I can......even if that sign is just a phone call!  : )

I am more excited about this potential case than the others prior.  It just seems like what we want on all levels!  I don't want to be so excited, but I can't help it!  I try to tell myself that there are at least 15 other couples out there feeling the same way (from our agency).  Of course, not all 15 will be shown, but at the end of this, some of us will walk away broken hearted.  I know how it feels and it STINKS!  Crossing my fingers that we're not broken hearted this time!!!!! 

I'm thinking a lot tonight about the birth mom.  We should know very soon if she chooses us or not, as the baby is due a week from Thursday. Ack!!!   She has a big decision to make in a very small amount of time.  I hope she can find the strength she needs because I know this can not be easy for her. 

Like I told my facebook friends, please cross your fingers, say a prayer, and throw a penny in a fountain and hope that we will be chosen if we are meant to have this baby!  Good night!!

It all stinks!

Our adoption agency has a website for couples who are waiting to adopt to share a very small online profile.  You can view it by clicking here.  Every once in a while I check it -- to see who we're up against.  :)  

The first time someone else was chosen over us was a situation when I was actually relieved we were not picked.  There were SO many issues with so many different things with that case that I think it would have sent me over the edge.  The main problem was a chance that the baby may or may not have a biological father who wanted to parent.  Anyway, a couple of days after we were told we weren't chosen, another couple had the words "matched" across their profile.  The baby was to be due mid June.  I checked the site today, and they are back "on the market".  I don't know them at all, but I feel so bad for them.  They had been matched for at least a couple of months.  I'm not positive that this is the situation, but I'm pretty sure. 

That is a long time to develop an emotional bond with an unborn baby.  I'd imagine they had everything ready, just in case.  This is exactly the reason that I was relieved we weren't chosen that time.  Something told me it wouldn't work out.  We have a baby room, which I currently call the "spare room".  I'd love to get it ready.  Crib, at least.  But, I can't bring myself to do it.   

This wait is getting agonizing.  I have times when I don't give it much thought, then times when I think of it every day.  When I turned 30, I was very upset because I thought for sure I would be a mom by that age.  Every year, same story.  With just a couple of weeks left before another year has completed, I find myself thinking of it more.  *Sigh*

I'm not sure how long the "matched then un-matched" couple has been waiting - but however long, my heart hurts for them tonight.  Waiting stinks.  Having your heart on a teeter totter stinks.  Reading/watching the news about how many children are abused/neglected every day stinks. 

One day my wait will be over and I'll be blogging about cute faces, sleepless nights, and baby poop.  But, for now waiting stinks.

Off the wagon....

I've not only fallen off the wagon, I've been ran over by the wagon....drug behind it, and left on the side of the road!  The sucky thing is that I'm the driver of that wagon and I'm in control.  I was doing well!  I was watching what I ate (which makes me feel a whole lot better when I do) and I even went to an exercise class!    Then I quickly began to fall off the wagon.  Let's take a minute to review this train wreck....

Things were going great pretty good.  My eating habits were improving.  As I mentioned, I went to an exercise class (body pump - which was awesome....more on that later) last Tuesday.  Wednesday was the 4th of July and I seem to think that any holiday gives me permission to eat myself silly.  That should have been the end of it....but it wasn't.  Thursday I was so sore, I didn't want to move.  I made it through work and came home to do nothing cause I could hardly move!  Friday, I guess since I had exercised 3 days prior, I felt I deserved to treat myself to McDonald's while taking Chace to play.  Saturday we went to St Louis with the kids so Chace could visit Build a Bear and had to eat out.  I have been on a downward spiral since.  I discovered Nutella the other day.  Big mistake.  Huge. 

I am weak.  Insanely weak.  I often wonder if it's really that hard for people to quit smoking.  I did it for a while and decided it was really gross, so I quit.  Not a problem.  Said I was done and didn't pick up another one.  But, it was not my addiction, so it was not hard.  Food is this awful addiction that I have and I can semi-relate to their smoking addiction.  I eat to celebrate.  I eat when I'm sad.  When I'm mad.  When I'm bored.  Or when I feel I deserve it.  How absurd.  Gahhhhh.   

I haven't blogged this last week.  I lost my accountability.  Boo.  I'm baaaack!  Back on the wagon that I've fallen off of.   Can't promise there won't be any road rage on my trip though, cause this sucks!  But I can do it!!!  :)

Now, on to that body pump class.  Pam had mentioned us going for a while, so I called and got us into a class one evening.  I was so nervous.  I had never been to a class, other than the one that takes place in my living room with the wii as the instructor, or in the playroom at my sister's house where there was hardly any room to move around.  A real, bona-fide exercise class!  I was very nervous about being the biggest girl in the class.  Indeed, I was, but it didn't bother me like I thought it would.  Apparently, the sought after spots are in the back.  Duh.  We didn't get a spot in the back.  Front and center.  Nice.  People were hurrying in there to get their spots - it was like a mad house.  We finally got an instructor to tell us what we needed and got our stuff set up. 

For the next hour and fifteen minutes, I lifted weights, lunged, pushed myself, got red faced, farted twice (though the music was so loud no one heard), got wobbly legged, made my heart pump faster, and bettered myself.  It was great!  Though I felt very self conscious, I'm glad I went.  There were definitely a couple of "cliques" of people, but I didn't feel threatened like I thought I would.  I need to go back, and I will go back.  I need some new clothes to go.  I wasn't very comfortable in my t shirt and capri length cotton pants.  Sounds stupid, I know, but it's not enough to stop me.  Maybe when I lose another 5 pounds, I'll buy some new exercise shorts or something. 

Back on that wagon.

Here's a heavily photoshopped photo of me and my favorite little 11 month old.  By heavily photoshopped, I mean Aunt Lisa got rid of a lot of few wrinkles, played with some teeth whitening, and popped our eyes!  A wagon driver has to look her best! 

Good night!!  :)