See what I mean? Literally! After I posted this picture to facebook, a friend of mine commented how I blasted myself. Say what?! I didn't know what that meant! Pretty much that I put that out there to intentionally embarrass myself....which is exactly what I was doing! :)
I care a lot (most of the time) about what other people think about me. I also care about what I think about me too. Putting myself out there about my biggest insecurity seemed the best way to hold myself accountable. We'll see how this approach works.
I have always been a bigger person. Biggest person in my family, biggest one out of my friends, biggest one at work. It's just how it always was. It always bothered me a little, but never enough to feel that I needed to do anything about it. I ate what I wanted, when I wanted. Sure, I was out of breath walking anywhere, but I felt ok. What a way to live, right? Hmph.
My husband is an amazing person who assures me every day how beautiful I am....and I believe him that he means it. I am one lucky lady. Last year, after we ended our IVF treatments I weighed the most I had ever weighed; 203 pounds. He would still tell me every day how great I was. Lucky, I tell ya! But, I was miserable. Even my "fat clothes" were not very comfy. I was starting to get a sharp pain in my chest every once in a while. I made a pretty heavy "uffda" sound while rolling off getting up from the couch. One of our old lady patients asked me when I was having my baby. Seriously.
It was time for a change. March of last year, I called my dr. and made an appt to talk about weight loss. My cholesterol was kind of high, my triglycerides were VERY high, and I weighed a lot. We talked about eating right and exercising. She showed me an awesome website, www.myfitnesspal.com. She prescribed me an appetite suppressant (diet pill, if you will) to take for a month. I started the medicine and immediately, my appetite was suppressed. I had energy to exercise. I began walking in the mornings and exercising on the elliptical. I worked my way up to 250 sit ups a day. I started to notice my body changing, as well as the numbers on the scale after a couple of weeks. When I went back for my month checkup, I had lost 16 pounds. She told me that was too much too fast, even though I was eating 1800 calories a day (thanks to myfitnesspal!). I had started taking 1/2 a pill instead of a whole and continued for about 2 more weeks.
At that point, I noticed they weren't really working for my appetite anymore. I wasn't starving like I used to be all the time, but I could just tell they weren't doing their magic anymore. At that point though, I was in a groove. Exercise, eat right, be happier and healthier. And my weight continued to come off. I kept the remaining meds I had for about another month when I hit a plateau and tried them for a couple days again. Still not helping, so I flushed what I had left. I knew I could do this myself. I worked myself from 203 pounds to 169 pounds in 4 1/2 months. I managed to keep steady around 173 pounds and I was happy with that. I felt great! I hadn't reached my final goal, but I had reached my first goal (175 pounds).
UNTIL....we went on vacation (June/July). I still did all right on vacation. I exercised a couple of times at the hotel. I ate ok, given the fact we were on vacation! When we came back, I started slipping. And slipping. By my birthday in August, I had gained back some and was hanging around 180 pounds. What I wouldn't give to be 180 right now. Ahem. Slipping and slipping. We were in the middle of adoption paperwork and home study and caseworker visits. And slipping. The holidays came and went and I was starting to give up. I joined a "biggest loser" challenge with my cousins and sister. I didn't even try. Food was too good. From that point on, I have given up, telling myself I will start again one day. I can't even begin to tell you how many weekends I have over-indulged, swearing that "My diet will start Monday!!!" Yeah right!
Well, today, Tuesday June 19, 2012 - is my Monday. In the set of pictures above, the top right picture is from tonight at a ballgame. Today I got this cute haircut....and it doesn't look cute on a fat face. I can control that. I have the power to change that face. I have the power to not have to stretch out every single shirt I own before I put it on. I have the power to not have to buy clothes that have an X in the size. I have the power to not loop a rubber band through my pants waist so they will fit better. I can control my health. I just have to do it.
My goal is simple, but the hardest thing for me to do. Eat better. Exercise. I want to start out by losing 18 pounds in 6 weeks. 3 pounds a week. I'll try. This time I will, because I know how "healthier" feels. And I know I can do it. My plan is to update my blog with my progress. I hope that by putting my insecurities out there I will be held more accountable for my actions. Let's hope so! I can do this!
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