Infertility Sucks!

Life is full of heartaches and disappointments. I don't think anyone can say that they haven't had their share of both. Sometimes I wonder though, why some of us have to struggle with it more than others that we think are more deserving of it. That may sound heartless to say, but really, I think we all have had something happen and wonder why it couldn't have been someone else. I'm not saying it has to be someone you know....just someone else.

For instance, infertility. I've had surgery, I've taken more hormones than someone my age should have to take. I've taken countless pills, injected myself with needles, and wasted more money on home pregnancy tests than I should have. I've heard tons of comments from well meaning family/friends telling me that they know it will work this time. Well, this time comes and to no avail, it was not this time. I've endured countless baby showers while wearing a smile. Though I am happy for them, can you really expect me to not have a feeling of envy. If you were in my shoes, you would understand. And I don't expect you to understand....just think about it. To get back on track, I've dealt with all of this and then I hear on the news of a woman who delivered her baby and put it in a trash bag and threw it in the dumpster. Of course I don't know her, but why couldn't it have been her who was plagued with infertility? I could have loved that child and given it a life it deserved.

Don't get me wrong, I know I have a good life otherwise. I am blessed with a wonderful husband and stepdaughter. I love Grace and would do anything for her. We have fun and I know she loves me. But, it's not the same as a bio child. She's not here all of the time and she has her own mother. I want to know what it's like to wake up every couple of hours to feed a crying baby. How exciting is it to take them for their first haircut? People tell me these things are not that exciting, but they've not had to face the reality that maybe they'd never do that stuff.

Poor me, I know! I am very thankful that there is nothing major wrong with me. God forbid, there could be a serious illness in our family. So, in a way, I am thankful that this is all I have to worry about. But, it's still hard and it sucks!

So, we start a new journey. I'll get a protocol for an IVF cycle. I never thought it would come to this, yet it has. There will be weeks of more medicine and waiting. Lots of 2 hours there and 2 hours back drives to the RE. It will be agonizing and fretful. I have researched it and was not impressed with the success rates. However, I have heard from several women who tried IVF and it worked on the first time. So, again, I am hopeful. I feel like I'm setting myself up for another letdown, but I need to change my mindset. I need to think positive. But the "what if's" weigh heavy on my mind and heart. It is very expensive. Thank goodness insurance will cover a very small portion. Aside from that, I am thankful for my dad who is willingly helping us out with the rest. He said it would be worth every penny to have another grandbaby and to see me happy......thanks, dad.

So, in other words, infertility sucks! I hate feeling alone and am ready for some good news! In the meantime, I'll keep enjoying the good life that I do have!