Almost one whole year!

I realized last week that this Friday will be one year that my handsome little boy has been in our lives.  One whole year.  I cannot believe it!  Sure, there are days that he makes me want to pull my hair out and question my sanity, but is there a Mom out there who doesn't do that?!  :)   Most of the time, the days just seem so normal to me, like he has always been here (even on those hair pulling out days!) - then there are sometimes that I am reminded that he has not - monthly visits with caseworkers, licensing home visits, court dates, and papers to fill out.  But, regardless of the latter, he is here....and has been for almost a whole year!




One year ago, I was on the phone talking and texting with my high school best friend about the little boy who just *might* make it to our home.  What an emotional couple of days it was wondering what was going to happen!  I had no idea that one year later, I would look that little boy in the eyes he would melt my heart.  Lots of things can change in one year!




The baby who came to us with (too)long, wispy hair and couldn't say but a few words just told me "Good night, Mommy - I wuv you" an hour ago.




The little boy who once threw tantrums (thank goodness, not often) and didn't know how to express himself just calmed himself down earlier tonight when I told him he needed to stop with the fit that I saw brewing. 




The handsome little boy who called every woman he saw "mom" does not do that anymore and proudly tells people that I am HIS Mommy.  He recognizes other women as who they are, and knows that I am the one who will be a constant in his life. 




The wee one who didn't have a sister a year ago played with HIS Sissy in the backyard tonight.




The little man who they said wasn't so sure about men, hugged and kissed HIS Daddy last night, big time, because he was so excited about the new bike that Bill brought him home.  (And he has never shown anything but love toward Bill, never scared or intimidated....I think he always knew his daddy was there for him from the moment he saw him!)




The little baby who let me rock him to sleep the first night he came here was just laid down in his racecar bed for the night, after rocking with Mommy.  He stopped this for several months, and only occasionally wanted to rock, but for the last week or so he has asked to rock nearly every night.  I think he knows how special it is to me and what a milestone this week is. :)




The little boy who didn't understand where his Sissy was going when she would leave to go to her mom's house, just spent a few hours with his Sissy there last weekend, and had a blast.  That was very special to me. 




Lots of growing for this little boy.  Lots of positive changes for him.  People often remark how lucky he is, but I think we are the lucky ones.  He has brought so much joy into our lives in almost one whole year!  We are very blessed!

Throw Back Thursday - Blog Style!!

Here is a blog post of mine from 4 YEARS ago!  All I can say is:  Man, I'm crazy.  Like, legit, crazy.  Read, and you'll see for yourself!  :)


Time for another random picture!  I don't have a soul right now to give me two random numbers!  I know I should just pick out 2 numbers and blog the picture, but that is so much pressure.  I don't like that!  I can't even make decisions about what to cook for supper, which kind of crackers to buy, or even if I should buy the 60 load Downy April Fresh because it's $1 cheaper than my favorite Gain!  Ok, ok, eventually I do make those decisions (we do have to eat and smell good!) but it comes with so much thought!  WHY do I spend so much time contemplating such mundane things?  I don't know!  Maybe because I don't have kids yet to occupy my mind.  Maybe I'm just a freakazoid. 

Anyway, picking 2 random numbers should require no thought at all.  The point is to be random right?!  Ok, here goes.  15 and 35.  Ohhhh, that was intense!  So, without further ado, here is folder 15, picture 35:  never mind.   Can't do that.  That random picture is of a cousin and former boyfriend.  Said cousin is now happily married to different boyfriend.  I don't think that would be a wise choice on my part!  This is why I don't like making decisions!!  I'm heading over to facebook to enlist the help from a friend.

Phew, that weight has been lifted from my shoulders now!  Thanks to Shannon Knapp, I will now present you with folder 21, picture 69.  This picture is of my Maggie....spoiled, rotten Maggie.  Grace is really into sewing and making pillows, dresses, and now, dog accessories!  We had been playing with her Fashion Runway stuff she got for Christmas and some fabric we had bought and Grace decided that Maggie needed a headpiece (?).  I'm not sure what she called it, so we'll go with headpiece!  Anyway, she cut it out, attached some fabric to go under Maggie's chin, and even cut holes for her ears.  As you can see here, Maggie is thrilled about her new piece!  Look how blingin' she is with that sequence!  I know, I'm a riot.  Settle down.

I'm so glad that Grace has a creative side and is putting it to good use.  You know, making sure our dogs are always in fashion!  Now, won't you join me and find a random picture of your own?  Post it to your blog, facebook, email, or myspace and let me know!  I'd love to see yours.....and I hope you don't have as hard of a time picking one as I did!  Thank goodness for friends with the ability to make quick decisions!!

One more thing, and this is totally not random:  Grace making Maggie a princess (or a bride?) a couple of years ago!

Meeting Birth Mom

So, if you read my last facebook post, you saw that I was deactivating my account.  Much like my problem with food, I have (had) an addiction with facebook, and it was a major waste of my time.  (Sad, isn’t it?!)  I will be back one day, after lent is over….though I’m not Catholic, I gave it up with my friend Sara…..just like I did littering in high school with her! 

I have been such a failure at blogging and hope that my facebook hiatus helps that.  Also, I don’t exactly know how much I’m allowed to share about Lucas’s story just yet, so I’ve been a little apprehensive about sharing publicly.  (Not that I would give away major deets anyway, but I don’t want to test it!) 

When I left the last post, I said I’d tell the story about meeting his birth mom.  Since I’ve got a lot of ground to cover since my last post (roughly 6 months worth!), I’ll just start there and work my way on.

I arrived at the courthouse for the hearing that day for the judge to either terminate her rights or for her to sign her parental rights over.  I was just a ball of nerves.  I called my friend Sara who suggested I be prepared for her to either like me, or be really mad at me.  I was sure I was ready for both, but I really knew I wasn’t.  I would just die if she yelled and cussed me and thought I was trying to take her baby.    

Due to my aforementioned facebook addiction I had already known what his mom looked like, or at least looked like when he was very young anyway.  As I began walking up the stairs, I glanced ahead and there she stood at the top.  She had no idea who I was so I glided on past and went through security and found a seat inside.  The caseworker wasn’t there yet and after a few minutes she came inside and sat down RIGHT BESIDE ME!  That was fate telling me to introduce myself and let her know her son was ok! 

After several minutes of watching her looking at pictures of her boys on her phone I finally said, “Excuse me, are you X’s mom?”  She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said yes and I told her who I was and that he was living with me and was doing great and was so smart.  I gave her a pack of pictures I brought for her and she was so happy to see them and just kept talking about how happy he looked. 

The room started to fill up and the caseworker showed up.  We talked to her for a minute and went to a corner to talk a little more privately.  I assured her that he would know he was adopted, and she said that that had always been her main worry – that he was so young, he wouldn’t remember if no one told him.  After talking a while, she warmed up to me so much.  Some people are just lost and/or broken and need someone to listen.  She pulled the caseworker over and told her that she wanted to sign her rights over specifically to us.   I almost screamed when she said that, but I was so dumbfounded that I didn’t know what to say.  I hugged her and we talked a while more.  We discussed visits when her life was in order and when we saw the judge, he commended her on making one of the best decisions she’s ever made. 

We had to go back a couple of weeks later for the judge to sign and I was so nervous that in those weeks she would change her mind or be influenced somehow.  Thank goodness she wasn’t and she made the best decision she could for her little boy!  A few months later, dad’s rights were gone too, then there was no way his bio parents could come back and try to gain custody again.

Meeting his mom was nothing like I had imagined.  I pictured a woman who would hate the ground I walked on, but instead she thanked me for taking such good care of her baby….and I thanked her for giving her baby to me when she could have made things much, much harder.  For that I will always be grateful. 

Wednesday Words

Tonight is the first night in a while that I have gotten Lucas to bed before 10, so how about a little blog update? 

If you follow me on facebook, you know a lot of this already - but I have to remind myself that there are still people who don't fb (hi, Aunt Ruth)!

Things are going great with Lucas.  He has been with us for 4 months now, but it seems so much longer.  He just fits in so well!  We are working on potty training, and it is hit and miss.  I'm not going to stress too much about it (or try not to anyway)! 

When he first came, he was having a rough time getting his frustrations out....when he would be told not to do something, he would get so emotional and kept hitting himself in the head.  It didn't happen often, but when it did, that was his way to get his frustration out.  I'm happy to say that doesn't happen anymore!  He still gets emotional, but I believe he handles it just like any 2 year old does!  :)

He was seeing a speech therapist once a week, until last week.  She closed his case, saying that he has developed his speech so well over the last few months that she is confident he will continue to improve himself.  He was tested at over a 30% delay before coming to live with us and is now at an 18% since coming home!  Yay!!!  We are still working on putting sentences together, but I can tell he gets a little better day by day.

Grace is turning 12 next week!  I can't believe how much she has grown over the last few months!  Aside from growing taller over the summer, she has also started to blossom into a young lady.  I still find her playing with dolls and running around acting silly, but she has started to pay a little more attention to her hair and wants to wear a little makeup.  Ahhh, I remember this age.  It scares me and thrills me.  She is going to change and grow, and I will be there every step of the way.  I never felt that I really had anyone to help me through all the craziness of tween/teen life and I can't wait to be a part of it for her. 

She is going to be in our hometown pageant soon and I'm excited for her.  She has always wanted to do something like that, but we are just not "pageant people".  I figured a small one will be fun for her.  This is something we know nothing about, but she just wants to have fun and be in the spotlight!  Of course she would like to win, but we are fully prepared for anything to happen.  We have been told to bring our thick skin, as apparently some of these pageant contestants and parents can be pretty cut throat, but I'm not worried.  One thing I love about her, she is pretty good about letting things people have said roll off her back.  She is a confident, one of a kind girl, and that will show....she is definitely not going to be your typical pageant girl!  I just can't wait to watch her. 

Here is our beautiful 6th grader!!

 

 

Since this has been pretty lengthy so far, I will save my thoughts on meeting Lucas' birthmom for the next post.  Let's just say that it has not went how I had anticipated!

 



Goodbye, Tommy Girl

If you are not a dog (or other animal lover) you will not "get" this post. 

Back in the archives, I found a post I did on Tommy Girl....if you want, you can read it right here.  I can't believe that I wrote that post over 2 1/2 years ago. 

Today was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life....and I've done some not so easy things. 

Since the last post about her, Tommy had a couple more surgeries for tumors that were coming up.  She always did exceptionally well afterwards too.  She was such a strong girl, and was not going to let a little surgery get her down.  I love how dogs are like that.  If I had been cut open and fixed, I would have laid around for weeks whining.  Had it not been for the stitches and shaved arm, you almost wouldn't have known she had surgery!

Shortly after her last operation, we noticed another small knot on her belly.  It was slow growing, but I knew something would have to be done.  Bill and I talked about it and decided that we wouldn't put her through another surgery.  She was, after all, 14 years old and had been through quite a lot in the last couple of years.  As the months went by, her little knot started to grow.  I tried to ignore it as much as I could, because ultimately, I knew what would happen.

About a month and a half ago, her skin started to open a tiny bit.  We spoke to her vet ( Dr. John Spence, who is awesome!) and he agreed with us to not put her through another surgery.  Since her skin was starting to open, he put her on an antibiotic to try to keep infection down.  He warned that we probably wouldn't have much time left, probably a week to 10 days and suggested that when we noticed her not eating (that's the point that they're pretty bad) to call to have her put to sleep.  Also, he was leaving in 2 weeks for vacation and would be gone for 2 weeks.  I knew that if we were going to do it, I wanted him to do it.  This is when my heart really started breaking - now we had a timeline.

Damn it if 10 days don't go by and she is acting completely fine.  The day or so before he was to be closed for vacation I called to see if we could just get some more antibiotic while he was gone.  I just couldn't do it while she was still eating, running, and acting like she was in generally good health!  I checked her belly often and her sore was starting to open more (she licked it often), but my girl pushed on.  Her dr came back from vacation and I was so relieved that when it was time, he could be there for her.

Monday morning, I went into Lucas' room to put away some clothes.  She followed me like she does everywhere and I noticed her stumbling.  I hollered her name (I don't know why, she's not deaf!) and dropped down beside her.  She laid on the floor beside me, I petted her and talked to her; almost waiting for her to tell me exactly what was wrong (she didn't!).  I had seen her act this way once before when she ate a portabella mushroom and the vet had us give her some benadryl.  That worked wonders that time, so I rushed and got some this time.  I also gave her a pain pill left over from surgery, just in case it was from pain from her sore.  I'm not sure which one, but something worked and she fared fine, but I was still scared for her.  It was at that time that I felt that was my sign that it was time.  I called Bill and we knew what we had to do. 

I couldn't make myself call to schedule until later that afternoon.  I didn't want to call when she was around (er, what?)......I know, I know.  :)   We scheduled for today and it was all I could think about.  She got extra treats and attention.  We slept together on the couch.  I asked her for a sign to tell me that she was ok......  I got nothin'!  Still, I knew. 

We woke up Wed. and Grace got to say her goodbyes.  We took Grace to school then had McD's sausage biscuits and hash browns for breakfast.  She sat with me in the recliner and watched tv until it was time to go.  I talked to her like she knew exactly what I was saying.  I told her that when she got to the rainbow bridge, she could go find Lucy (Amy's dog) and Charlie (cousin Jessica's dog that recently passed) and go play.  I assured her that when it was my time I would find her.  Yes, I believe she knew what I was saying. 

I cried off and on in the car, where she rode peacefully in the passenger seat beside me.  The Sesser Animal Hospital has an awesome staff.  As soon as I got there, they took us to a room so I wasn't bawl baggin' it in the waiting room.  I sat in the floor with her and her blanket on my lap while Lucas played the kindle.  The nurse talked to me about cremation and told us dr would be in soon.  Dr John came in and gave me assurance that I was doing the right thing.  He praised her for being such a good girl all the time.  He also said that her episode Mon could have been a mini stroke (she did have a history of congestive heart failure).  So, that was my sign.

When it was time, I laid her blanket on the table.  I couldn't have her laying on that cold metal slab!  :)  The nurse hugged her belly to keep her still so dr could get a vein and I was right at her head so we could see each other.  After a little of the injection went in her head got a little heavy.  I just told her over and over that I loved her and she was a good girl.  When he was almost done, she just went limp and the nurse layed her down.  It was awful.  I just wanted to see her nudge my hand for  a scratch one more time, but she was gone.  *One thing I didn't know is that a dog's eyes stay open after this....that was a little unsettling.  I kept petting her and took her collar and got her blanket.  It killed me to leave her laying there, but Dr. John just gives off a peaceful aura and I am forever thankful to him for that.  He stayed in the room with her, I thanked him for everything he did for her, and we left.

I have dreaded this day for a long time, and it was every bit as painful as I had imagined. But, she does not hurt anymore. She did not pass painfully.  11 hours later, I miss her like crazy.  Even with other dogs at home, I can feel her presence gone.  She was my first baby when I couldn't have babies.  I know that she hung around until she knew I had what I needed in life.  She waited for Lucas.  She posed for pictures with him.  He will not remember her, but there is proof that she loved him. 

My cousin Jessica sent this to me today and I love it:

Yesterday I made a choice, You were in such pain, It was in your voice.

To keep you here or let you go, The guilt I felt you’ll never know.

Even though my choice was right, a part of me I had to fight, not to let you slip into that final goodnight.

With love for you, my decision made, I feel the loss will never fade.

But knowing that your pain is gone, And that your soul has now moved on, I bless each day I spent with you, and live with what I had to do.

Yesterday you went to sleep, but in my heart I’ll always keep, my precious memory of love so deep.

-unknown author

Goodbye to my awesome Tommy Girl....I'll see you later!

Short and Sweet!

I feel guilty that I have been sending people to my blog to read the story of how blessed we have become.....and I haven't written anything lately!  Believe it or not, I've been a little busy!  ;)  This post will be short and sweet, but I have plans for a personal blog session this weekend! 

We have finished our dcfs pride training (foster training) so that L could come live with us full time, so now he does.  Everyone still asks how the transition is going, and my answer is still that there really was no transition.  Easy, peasy, lemon squeezy!  We have been so lucky!

We will go to court soon for one of many court dates to get to adoption.   We are looking at a long haul, but at least he's here!  I was very disappointed when our pride trainers suggested that it could take up to 2 years.  What the what?!  But, at least he's here.

I still can't thank my friend enough for what she did for us.  She is such a blessing and I am forever thankful for her and her family. 

His caseworker has encouraged us to call L by his given name (which I still did occasionally, as it will be his middle name).  She doesn't want birth mom to be really upset about a name change and for that to be a hiccup.  I can totally understand that - doesn't matter to me what we call him for now.....because at least he's here! 

Grace has been the best big sister I could imagine!  He loves his "shishy" so much.  She is enjoying her summer break, and keeping busy.  We're signing up for volleyball camp in July, I can't wait for that for her! 

I hope you are all enjoying this hot, humid summer! 

My First Mom's Day!

For many years I have longed to celebrate mother’s day.  Every year, my heart ached for what I knew had to be the best feeling in the world.  Finally, my dream has come true, and it IS the best feeling in the world!!

My first Mother’s Day was much as I had expected….just like any other day, except I got a present.  The laundry was still here and there were still messes to clean up, but you know what?  I couldn’t have been happier about it!  When the laundry includes itty bitty socks and cute little t-shirts and the messes are sippy cups and strewn about toys, that’s just fine with me!

We had breakfast at my sister’s house and came home for a bit before Grace had to go back to her mother’s house.  Grace bought me 2 new Willow Tree Angels, which were perfect.  After Grace left, we headed to the lake with some fishing poles (not for me though, I suck at fishing).  It was a beautiful day to just be outside and we enjoyed it. 

Lucas was full of kisses and made my heart swell every time he looked at me.  We finally settled in for the night after bath time on the couch.  He fell asleep while I held himas we watched tv.  Even though he sweats like crazy when he sleeps and my arm was soaked I couldn’t get up and go lay him in his bed.  I just wanted to keep looking at him! 

As ashamed as I am to say it, it wasn’t until that moment that I thought of his birth mom.  She may not have custody of him, but she had to be thinking of him.  Since he is in foster care, she did not decide to place him for adoption and did not choose us; but I hope that she knew that we were thinking of her and that she had some comfort that he was in a safe place. 

We made a handprint for her on Monday and will send it to their next visit.  I hope that she will accept it and knows that it is coming from a good place in my heart.  I worry about that.  Though we hope to adopt him and ultimately hope he doesn’t return “home”, I don’t want her to feel like I think I’m better than her.  I hope that my gestures (like sending a letter, picture, or his artwork) won’t lead her in that direction.  I will still send them unless she says that she wishes otherwise.    On Sunday though, I was sure thankful that she gave birth to the precious little boy I was blessed to be holding in my arms!