Wednesday Words

Tonight is the first night in a while that I have gotten Lucas to bed before 10, so how about a little blog update? 

If you follow me on facebook, you know a lot of this already - but I have to remind myself that there are still people who don't fb (hi, Aunt Ruth)!

Things are going great with Lucas.  He has been with us for 4 months now, but it seems so much longer.  He just fits in so well!  We are working on potty training, and it is hit and miss.  I'm not going to stress too much about it (or try not to anyway)! 

When he first came, he was having a rough time getting his frustrations out....when he would be told not to do something, he would get so emotional and kept hitting himself in the head.  It didn't happen often, but when it did, that was his way to get his frustration out.  I'm happy to say that doesn't happen anymore!  He still gets emotional, but I believe he handles it just like any 2 year old does!  :)

He was seeing a speech therapist once a week, until last week.  She closed his case, saying that he has developed his speech so well over the last few months that she is confident he will continue to improve himself.  He was tested at over a 30% delay before coming to live with us and is now at an 18% since coming home!  Yay!!!  We are still working on putting sentences together, but I can tell he gets a little better day by day.

Grace is turning 12 next week!  I can't believe how much she has grown over the last few months!  Aside from growing taller over the summer, she has also started to blossom into a young lady.  I still find her playing with dolls and running around acting silly, but she has started to pay a little more attention to her hair and wants to wear a little makeup.  Ahhh, I remember this age.  It scares me and thrills me.  She is going to change and grow, and I will be there every step of the way.  I never felt that I really had anyone to help me through all the craziness of tween/teen life and I can't wait to be a part of it for her. 

She is going to be in our hometown pageant soon and I'm excited for her.  She has always wanted to do something like that, but we are just not "pageant people".  I figured a small one will be fun for her.  This is something we know nothing about, but she just wants to have fun and be in the spotlight!  Of course she would like to win, but we are fully prepared for anything to happen.  We have been told to bring our thick skin, as apparently some of these pageant contestants and parents can be pretty cut throat, but I'm not worried.  One thing I love about her, she is pretty good about letting things people have said roll off her back.  She is a confident, one of a kind girl, and that will show....she is definitely not going to be your typical pageant girl!  I just can't wait to watch her. 

Here is our beautiful 6th grader!!

 

 

Since this has been pretty lengthy so far, I will save my thoughts on meeting Lucas' birthmom for the next post.  Let's just say that it has not went how I had anticipated!

 



Goodbye, Tommy Girl

If you are not a dog (or other animal lover) you will not "get" this post. 

Back in the archives, I found a post I did on Tommy Girl....if you want, you can read it right here.  I can't believe that I wrote that post over 2 1/2 years ago. 

Today was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life....and I've done some not so easy things. 

Since the last post about her, Tommy had a couple more surgeries for tumors that were coming up.  She always did exceptionally well afterwards too.  She was such a strong girl, and was not going to let a little surgery get her down.  I love how dogs are like that.  If I had been cut open and fixed, I would have laid around for weeks whining.  Had it not been for the stitches and shaved arm, you almost wouldn't have known she had surgery!

Shortly after her last operation, we noticed another small knot on her belly.  It was slow growing, but I knew something would have to be done.  Bill and I talked about it and decided that we wouldn't put her through another surgery.  She was, after all, 14 years old and had been through quite a lot in the last couple of years.  As the months went by, her little knot started to grow.  I tried to ignore it as much as I could, because ultimately, I knew what would happen.

About a month and a half ago, her skin started to open a tiny bit.  We spoke to her vet ( Dr. John Spence, who is awesome!) and he agreed with us to not put her through another surgery.  Since her skin was starting to open, he put her on an antibiotic to try to keep infection down.  He warned that we probably wouldn't have much time left, probably a week to 10 days and suggested that when we noticed her not eating (that's the point that they're pretty bad) to call to have her put to sleep.  Also, he was leaving in 2 weeks for vacation and would be gone for 2 weeks.  I knew that if we were going to do it, I wanted him to do it.  This is when my heart really started breaking - now we had a timeline.

Damn it if 10 days don't go by and she is acting completely fine.  The day or so before he was to be closed for vacation I called to see if we could just get some more antibiotic while he was gone.  I just couldn't do it while she was still eating, running, and acting like she was in generally good health!  I checked her belly often and her sore was starting to open more (she licked it often), but my girl pushed on.  Her dr came back from vacation and I was so relieved that when it was time, he could be there for her.

Monday morning, I went into Lucas' room to put away some clothes.  She followed me like she does everywhere and I noticed her stumbling.  I hollered her name (I don't know why, she's not deaf!) and dropped down beside her.  She laid on the floor beside me, I petted her and talked to her; almost waiting for her to tell me exactly what was wrong (she didn't!).  I had seen her act this way once before when she ate a portabella mushroom and the vet had us give her some benadryl.  That worked wonders that time, so I rushed and got some this time.  I also gave her a pain pill left over from surgery, just in case it was from pain from her sore.  I'm not sure which one, but something worked and she fared fine, but I was still scared for her.  It was at that time that I felt that was my sign that it was time.  I called Bill and we knew what we had to do. 

I couldn't make myself call to schedule until later that afternoon.  I didn't want to call when she was around (er, what?)......I know, I know.  :)   We scheduled for today and it was all I could think about.  She got extra treats and attention.  We slept together on the couch.  I asked her for a sign to tell me that she was ok......  I got nothin'!  Still, I knew. 

We woke up Wed. and Grace got to say her goodbyes.  We took Grace to school then had McD's sausage biscuits and hash browns for breakfast.  She sat with me in the recliner and watched tv until it was time to go.  I talked to her like she knew exactly what I was saying.  I told her that when she got to the rainbow bridge, she could go find Lucy (Amy's dog) and Charlie (cousin Jessica's dog that recently passed) and go play.  I assured her that when it was my time I would find her.  Yes, I believe she knew what I was saying. 

I cried off and on in the car, where she rode peacefully in the passenger seat beside me.  The Sesser Animal Hospital has an awesome staff.  As soon as I got there, they took us to a room so I wasn't bawl baggin' it in the waiting room.  I sat in the floor with her and her blanket on my lap while Lucas played the kindle.  The nurse talked to me about cremation and told us dr would be in soon.  Dr John came in and gave me assurance that I was doing the right thing.  He praised her for being such a good girl all the time.  He also said that her episode Mon could have been a mini stroke (she did have a history of congestive heart failure).  So, that was my sign.

When it was time, I laid her blanket on the table.  I couldn't have her laying on that cold metal slab!  :)  The nurse hugged her belly to keep her still so dr could get a vein and I was right at her head so we could see each other.  After a little of the injection went in her head got a little heavy.  I just told her over and over that I loved her and she was a good girl.  When he was almost done, she just went limp and the nurse layed her down.  It was awful.  I just wanted to see her nudge my hand for  a scratch one more time, but she was gone.  *One thing I didn't know is that a dog's eyes stay open after this....that was a little unsettling.  I kept petting her and took her collar and got her blanket.  It killed me to leave her laying there, but Dr. John just gives off a peaceful aura and I am forever thankful to him for that.  He stayed in the room with her, I thanked him for everything he did for her, and we left.

I have dreaded this day for a long time, and it was every bit as painful as I had imagined. But, she does not hurt anymore. She did not pass painfully.  11 hours later, I miss her like crazy.  Even with other dogs at home, I can feel her presence gone.  She was my first baby when I couldn't have babies.  I know that she hung around until she knew I had what I needed in life.  She waited for Lucas.  She posed for pictures with him.  He will not remember her, but there is proof that she loved him. 

My cousin Jessica sent this to me today and I love it:

Yesterday I made a choice, You were in such pain, It was in your voice.

To keep you here or let you go, The guilt I felt you’ll never know.

Even though my choice was right, a part of me I had to fight, not to let you slip into that final goodnight.

With love for you, my decision made, I feel the loss will never fade.

But knowing that your pain is gone, And that your soul has now moved on, I bless each day I spent with you, and live with what I had to do.

Yesterday you went to sleep, but in my heart I’ll always keep, my precious memory of love so deep.

-unknown author

Goodbye to my awesome Tommy Girl....I'll see you later!